Just how many trans people have given birth? It eases my guilt and sadness:
12 Differences Between Your First Pregnancy and Your Second Pregnancy
We were finally lucky enough to have another healthy baby, so who cares about the gender? I was never close with my mother. I have always dreamed of having a daughter who I could love and be close to, and grow to be friends with later on. I felt like that dream was ripped away from me. We always thought we would only have 2 kids…. I think it will be better in the long run for me to wait. My motto is, if I am given 3 boys to love and care for, there has got to be a reason for it, and I am meant to be a mom to only boys!
One day the reason will be shown to me! Anyway, thanks for your honesty and comment. Adriel Booker recently posted.. Thank you for your response. I am lucky to be the mom of my 2 awesome boys! I had to reply after you did because my youngest is Levi Jude and my oldest is Jonah. I really needed this today. I have three boys and I am pregant with baby number 4. To be honest I have no idea if number 4 is a boy or not… I just have a feeling it is.
My heart aches for a little girl. I love my boys but I want a daughter to call my own. Finding out 2 was a boy was not so bad… 3 was much worse… And now I am worried about 4. But I long for that baby girl and wonder why she has not come yet.
I think about questions like that and all these feelings of guilt make gender disappointment worse because I know I am really blessed. My heart is aching but your artical made me feel better. I love my boys and if 4 is a boy I will love him too. My heart just longs for that pink blanket to wrap around my own baby girl. I am seven months pregnant with boy no three and I think I will never get ober having three boys. I feel no joy at all for the new baby.
But as the only woman in the family, I feel terribly lonely. I feel like my life is over. He was supposed to be a girl but instead, he will make me look like a freak mom. Failed three times in a row. How I would love to sit down with you and share a cup of coffee and talk about these issues face-to-face. Do you have someone there with whom you can speak to face-to-face about these issues? If you email me your city perhaps I can help find you someone to connect with in person.
Thanks for reaching out here. Please know that I am praying for you and have been since the first day I read this comment! Adriel xx Adriel Booker recently posted.. Because He never stops giving. I too am expecting boy 3. This comes after a miscarriage and I now wonder if I lost my girl. I too am having my third boy and I do feel very disappointed at times. I will love this little boy with all of my heart and when he is born I will probably not think about gender disappointment at all, but I really wanted to experience having a daughter too.
The biggest thing in my life is the uncaring and thoughtless comments by almost everyone I know. Grief is a process and it can take time to work through — but you will get there!
Be encouraged today, Jane! My husband had three boys from a previous marriage and I have one son as well. I was convinced this pregnancy, our first and likely only: We were both ready for a girl. And foolishly how fed up I am becoming of all things boy: This is going on so long… bare with me here.
Believe me, I understand what a blessing this little boy is and love him already. I know that sometimes there are just no words that will bring the sort of comfort you need. Give yourself permission to feel it and walk into it. Remember that you are also pregnant and full of lovely hormones and give yourself extra grace during this time. Being hard on yourself for struggling will only make it worse.
Sending virtual hugs today and praying for you to find peace. I completely understand your feelings and they are very real and very raw sometimes. I think it is important for us to let ourselves feel what we feel. I posted a very long response down the bottom of this page too, reflecting on my life with 3 boys, one being my very newest edition.
I really just wanted to offer my support and to let you know that it is ok to feel what you feel, I totally understand. You are a fantastic mum to your boys and they love you for who you are. Much love to you xx. We just turned 6 months yesterday and so off we went to find out the gender. Im a mom to a beautiful sweet little boy, my three year old Keiran. He kisses, sings, talks to and hugs it every single day and night, and yes he refuses to refer to it as a baby boy.
There was no way we could convince him. There was deafening silence in the room, no cheers nor smiles, and our little Keiran just suddenly lost excitement, so did hubby and me. We tried to brush it off since im now safe finally from placenta previa and just tried to entertain ourselves.
So then we tried going to a toy shop where the nightmare started to sink in. Yes, that was my breaking point. I just melted into tears amidst the store and excited kids everywhere. How can I go through everyday with his routines of what he does for what he thinks his sib would be? Thanks for sharing your story. I too, was just cleared of complete previa which has migrated. I was just reading through some of the comments on this post and read yours all over again.
Grace to you, sweet mama. I m mum to two boys and then I had a daughter. I myself am the oldest of 5 I have four younger brothers. When my youngest brother was born I was so disappointed. I wanted a sister. It never really bothered me as I got older but now in my 30 s I wish I had a sister. I m having a fourth child which we had nt planned so j convinced myself it was a girl.
Scan revealed it was a boy. I was so upset. Not for me but for my daughter. Like me she will never have a sister. I can t stop thinking about it and feeling sad. It s driving me crazy. I love my brothers and they re great but its not the same.
I hope you and baby are doing well now. Grace to you Jane!! Dear Cairo, how I have loved you. Having a sister can be a terrible experience. Everyone thinks sisters are best friends. They are frequently bitter rivals.
My older sister abused me viciously. I got along great with my brothers. I am pregnant with my first and only child, a girl, and am NOT happy about it. Thankfully I can be honest with my wonderful husband. My family sort of did. My friends sort of do. I am not interested in having a daughter running around in mini skirts and make up obsessing over her looks as a teen. I wanted a boy to share in activities with us. I just wanted to say what kind-hearted and genuinely thoughtful replies you give Adriel.
You are such a good embodiment of Christianity, being so caring and unjudgemental. Have you had your baby now? Blessings to both of you. Will you join me? Hi, How lovely of you to check back in. Our wee man is due in 6 weeks. Really looking forward to it and have picked out a name we love-Gus. Hope you and your family are well. We were sure we were done and then had a surprise pregnancy which i assumed was another boy.
We were amazed to find out it was a girl. Then we had another and it was a boy and I was delighted. During this pregnancy we decided that we should give our fertility to God and let him decide how many he would like us to have.
I am now pregnant with my 6th and have just found out a couple of weeks ago that it is another boy. I am so so upset and cant stop crying etc.
How can i say i have surrendered my life to God and what he wills for me and yet get so upset because i didnt get what i wanted?
I feel like a fraud and i just dont know what to do to make it go away. I keep praying about it but nothing has changed as of yet. I feel that it is sinful for me not to be content in the circumstances my Lord and Saviour has placed me in and yet although my head has all the answers my heart still aches. I wonder why i never felt like this before.
Thanks for sharing your struggle here. Grace is his specialty and he is willing to walk us through all of those difficult twists on our journey. We need to give ourselves grace too. Your stumbling block may have more to do with your own heart and reactions and expectations, but God is gracious to help us in that sanctification process as he allows us to be challenged and gives us the opportunities to grow and mature and be refined.
To struggle in and of itself is not to sin. Just keep your heart offered to the Lord and he will walk you through this hard time. I believe in you, girl! Praying for you today. Church on the beach and a rewritten Psalm for you. Hi all, and thanks to 4 boys and 1 in utero for checking in on me a while ago. Sorry I have only just got the message, as life with a newborn is very hectic at the moment, especially since I have had an enormous gap between kids.
I had those awful feelings of gender disappointment, I longed for a baby girl so much that it hurt to see other women with their daughters, knowing that this will never be me. I have a number of health issues so I know that there will be no more kids, no attempt at trying for a girl, pregnancy is just too hard and too risky for me. As I sit here and write these words I feel a sense of peace and calm about it all though. I have had to put things into perspective as I suffered terribly with health problems during and after I had him and to be honest I am just so grateful that he is fine and healthy.
The guilt I felt for feeling any sense of gender disappointment faded away when I nearly lost him after birth. Gender disappointment is something that is very hard to explain to women who have both genders and the guilt that I felt for even being disappointment was eating me up inside. Do we ever stop feeling guilty as mothers?? I brought my beautiful blue bundle of joy home from the hospital and felt only warmth and love and his little face just melts my heart.
I can honestly say that life with him is so much richer and rewarding, he is my little miracle and he brings so much joy to our lives. I have thought very distantly about how nice it would be to have a daughter, but I have a real sense of peace about it all. Life is a blessing, each baby is unique and an absolute blessing and I am going to be the best mother to three boys that I can be.
I want them to grow up and be strong, supportive men and to learn to treat people with respect. I do hope that others can find peace and find an inner strength to accept the things we cannot change. Be proud of what we have and what we have achieved as beautiful strong women who have given life to amazing little human beings. Much love to you all xx. I have to say i truly believe that some of the emotions are caused by hormones, on the saturday that i shared my feelings i felt really low, i had a good night sleep that night and woke up the next morning feeling quite silly.
I havent felt like that since, I just cant wait to meet this little man now, i had one little wobble when a friend of mine found out that her baby is a girl but in fairness she had been through alot ttc and im just delighted she has a healthy baby.
My husband and i had a long talk and he feels that God does have another girl for us somewhere along the way. I think i mentioned before that we are quite young at 28 and 32 so hopefully that is true but if not i am sure my Lord and Saviour will help me to work through whatever feelings are thrown up. How to teach your child to stop eating his boogers.
But I really wanted 2 to be a boy for a few reasons — 1 so my son would have a close friend for life, and 2 so we would definitely try for baby 3. I have always wanted three kids, but I really only want, at the most, one girl. I started sobbing in the ultrasound room, and I have been sobbing ever since, hardly able to eat and get out of bed.
Of course this makes me feel like a terrible mother. I know God has the perfect plans for my life and for this little one. I have a very broken relationship with my mom that I have been trying to heal for years, but to no avail.
I worry that the brokenness I have from that relationship will somehow be passed down to my relationship with my daughter. If I knew baby 3 was going to be a boy, I would be much happier now, knowing that I will have a daughter and that my son will have a brother. Thank you so much for creating this space for healing. I feel completely broken which makes me feel incredibly guilty.
Just stumbled upon this blogpost, and tears are filling my eyes as I read through your post and all the comments. Thank you for making me feel normal. This post helped more than you know. Dear pregnant woman on the playground With love from a baby-loss mom. Websites here in the US are so judgmental! I do CVS testing because of my age, and they found a Y chromosome.
Baby is looking healthy so far. Yet, I want a girl! Less likely, and more risky. Like the perfect family is 1 of each. Mother after mother from the beginning of time will attest to that! You already have one growing baby to worry about for goodness sakes! Sometimes grief is messy. I hope you two can continue to talk openly and learn how to support each other better.
Parenting is not for the faint of heart! But together we are so much stronger! And yes, I can say with certainly that it will get better! Perhaps even announcing your pregnancy will help bring the joy you hope for as others celebrate with congratulations?
And let me be the first: I just love boys and think they are hilarious and amazing and fun. Oh, and one more thing to throw in there — before and during my pregnancies I thought much more about what I wanted in my children and less about what they might love. And you know what? Giving each of the gift of a brother to pal around with and bump heads with and grow up together with? Life and loss, joy and mourning in Papua New Guinea. I never thought of it that way. I always longed for a sister to play with growing up — and now I get to give that gift to my son — or better yet — to BOTH of my sons!
I am winding down my first trimester with my first baby and reading your stories gets me so excited to experience this amazing miracle. My husband had a daughter, who is almost 4, from a previous relationship. We have her full time and I have been in her life since she was 9 months old. She even calls me mom. Lately, I seem to have major mixed emotions about it. I am excited about every bit of this pregnancy regardless and I really hope to go into my ultrasound with an open mind and to try to not be dissapointed if it is not the results I was hoping for.
That just means we can always try again, right? Are You a Leader or a Manager? How Leadership Changes Our Parenting. I have two boys now, the youngest is almost 2. The first was a surprise and the second we found out after the ultra sound. I cried for days and months secretly to myself after I found out about the second boy.
Of course I love my boys and I always will. My husband does not want anymore children because he is happy with his boys and resents me for feeling this way. I feel like I have a huge hole in my heart and it aches. All of my friends have girls and to top it off my sister just had her second little girl the other day. Might as well have put I knife through my heart. I have no one to talk to.
Not a friend, not my husband, not my mother or sister. I can not afford a therapist. Please tell me there is someone out there in the same boat? Love how other moms with girls tell me to just get over it and be happy I was able to have children at all. C, I can relate. I have two living children, a daughter and a son. Between them, I lost three babies.
The first baby we lost, at 18 weeks, was a girl, our daughter Naomi, and she would have been just eighteen months younger than our first-born daughter if she had lived.
I mourned not only losing her, but also losing the experience of raising two close-in-age daughters. When I got pregnant for the fifth time and found out we were having a boy, I really struggled. But I would still like another daughter. Maybe it will encourage you? I think this is so tough, and you certainly need to find safe places to process all of your emotions surrounding this issue.
I posted your comment on facebook and there were several women wanting to respond. You can read them here: Also, have you googled a mothers help line? Surely there would be some numbers that you can call and speak to someone personally. Continuation of my prior comment: I am so so happy I stumbled upon your blog and even happier that you posted your experience.
Tears were seriously pouring down my face while I read your words because it just felt that you were describing my story. So anyway, of course, when the ultrasound technician told us we were having a boy, I mustered up as much excitement as I could and half-smiled while I tightly clenched my jaw and hubby squeezed my hand hard because he absolutely knew what I was feeling.
It was this overwhelming sense of grief and sadness and disappointment mixed with happy. And then the guilt, oh the guilt. Guilt of having failed that poor little baby boy bouncing around in my tummy before I even had a chance to show him that I could maybe be a mommy deserving of his love.
I just found out about a week ago but am loving the idea of having a son more and more. Thanks for taking the time to leave your story. I think as hard as the disappointment can sometimes be, you describe the disappointment that is even more acute: Being a mother of grace is the best gift you can ever give that little darling boy of yours.
Our kids learn so much from the way we treat ourselves. I can tell, just by your note, that you WILL be a great mom to your baby. Many blessings for the rest of your pregnancy as you begin your motherhood journey. The best is yet to come! Merry Christmas to you, too. You are definitely not alone!! I am 19 weeks pregnant and just found out 5 days ago that we are having a little boy. I hate to admit that I am even crying right now, but I am. I was raised being told that in our family all first born children have always been girls.
Well when my husband and I experienced 2 miscarriages I was pretty confident that we still would be blessed with a little girl. Though we had our top boy and girl names picked out, and I thought I was mentally prepared for either gender, when we heard that it was a boy, I was in complete shock.
I was smiling on the outside, but so shocked and upset on the inside. I am just sad and I hate that I am. I know I will love our son even the word son is hard to type dearly, but I always hoped to have the close mother daughter bond like I do with my mom. I just really hope I can get excited about being pregnant and having a boy because we are not sure if we want any more children and I want to be able to cherish this time in my life.
I hope you find peace as you wade through the confusion and process these emotions. A daughter and a son. My beautiful baby-girl name, the little sister that my daughter wanted so badly. I was shocked when I learned our 2nd was a boy. Now I know from experience that I love him oh so dearly. I feel trapped cause there is no way out.
I feel like this child is going to mess up my beautiful family. God bless him he deserves so much more than me. As you can see from the other comments, many women share similar stories to you — you are not alone!
I want to offer two things for you in this vulnerable time: You can drown in that awful stuff! Give yourself grace, just as you would a dear friend if she was sharing her biggest struggles with you. Perhaps you only go once or twice, and yes, I know it can be expensive, but I can think of no more worthy investment at this period in your life — much more important than new onsies and baby gear.
Talk to someone face-to-face that can help you wade through your emotions, deal with the shame, and find peace. Please, consider that — for yourself and for your baby. Again, you have nothing to be ashamed of.
You are powerful enough to handle this, but perhaps not without the right tools. Thank you so much for your oh so kind words. In daily life I help others but this time I realize I need help myself. Again thank you so much for finding the time and right words to show me compassion.
This is great news Rose! Thank you for coming back to let me know. This is a special time in your life, and even you grappling with the gender of your baby is all part of it. Good for you for not short-circuiting the process.
Wow, that is simply wonderful, just wonderful! But I have a few friends that like to leave it as a surprise and they love that, too!
And yet you know how blessed you are to be having a baby on a completely different level than most of us do, and so I can see why the guilt would feel even heavier as you process all of your emotions. Thank you for your very compassionate and thoughtful article. I feel very disappointed at the loss of my dream pregnancy, shopping for a baby girl planning a beautiful baby shower and day dreaming of having a daughter to bond with.
I feel sadness and guilt for not being happy my baby is healthy and happily moving inside me. With this pregnancy feeling completely different than the first, I was convinced it was a girl. My husband and boys wanted a baby sister too. We began trying to conceive in September and finally saw a positive result in December. Then a week later lost my pregnancy. I was silent and showed no emotion during the ultrasound and that makes me feel even worse for not caring about this blessing growing inside of me.
I believe this will be my final baby. This really hurts and makes me feel ungrateful for what God has planned. I love my boys with all my heart and they love their mom like no other.
I know I am a great mother and I will love my third son. I have only told my mom and a close cousin how I feel right now. Sorry for such a long post.
Adriel, I just read you have a daughter in heaven? Sorry for your loss. I can relate to that so much. I think these feelings are so normal, but not when it is all-consuming.
I hope you can find someone in person to confide in and ask to pray with you. Bless you as you process all these big emotions and life changes.
AND… give yourself a little grace. I also think your insight who asking other women about the gender of their babies is a very good one. A good take-away lesson, I think.
Im pregnant with 4 my last baby and I am so scared to find out the gender! I have three beautiful and healthy boys that I love to pieces and I know that regardless of what this baby is I will love them the same.
I always just assume that each one is a boy so that I dont get dissapointed, but this time I actually have hope for a girl and that scares me. I just had my 20 week ultrasound today. I already have a son who will turn 11 on Christmas, so I really wanted a girl. This pregnancy had many signs they say point to a girl. Everyone I know, husband,friends, family, coworkers…everyone said they thought it was a girl or they hoped it was a girl.
We picked out only girl names. I tried to tell myself that it was probably a boy so it would reduce any disappointment. Lo and behold, when the ultrasound tech announced it was another boy I bawled my eyes out. Then I felt like a horrible person for feeling this way. Everyone I know has at least 1 of each so they will never understand how it feels and I will never get to experience being a mom to a baby girl: But my son will be ecstatic that he is having a baby brother since he has 6 sisters from his dad.
I just saw your comment come through to my emails since I subscribed to this post a while ago. I went through gender disappointment about 1. The moment I met my baby, it all made so much sense and I was so thankful to know that God had me in His hands and knew the exact baby that was meant for me.
But I think back to the painful time in my life. It was such a lonely journey and it was so difficult to talk about.
Thanks for your response Mel and your encouragement. And this little boy? Under the Olive Tree A letter to my baby. We are on baby 3 our last baby.
I have 2 wonderful boys ages 4 and 1. I told myself it would be a boy again cause my husband seems to take after his dad who had 7 boys. But his brothers all had girls first so I had a little hit of hope maybe just one would be a girl.
It breaks my heart and takes everything I have to not bust out of the store in utter tears. Why does she get a girl after 2 boys.
It seems so unfair. I see people post all they want is boys and they get a girl and they are upset. I wish I could switch them. I just want this craziness to stop.
I was happy about this pregnancy til this point. Rather regretting finding out the gender. Hinsite is a wonderful thing. Thank you so much for this article. I have one son now and am pregnant with another. With this one, I desperately wanted a girl. And like you, and so many others, have touched on- the guilt for being disappointed is HUGE.
I want this baby, and I know he is truly a blessing. But I really am grieving the loss of a girl. It really helps to know that I am not alone in my feelings. I have wondered if feeling this way makes a horrible mother, or a selfish person. I wonder if other people knew about my disappointment, they would think that I am being ungrateful….
It can take some time to wade through your grief. I adore that my boys are brothers and have one another. I love it so much more than I ever thought possible.
I hope you find that place, too. Most of all, congrats on your baby! Be gracious with yourself. Why I believe in early pregnancy announcements despite the risk and fear of miscarriage. Hi, thanks so much for this post, it has helped me a lot. Reading all the comments makes me feel like I am not alone in feeling like this. I just found out that I am expecting boy 3. I never expected to feel quite this sad at the thought of never having a girl. As this is probably our last bubba I guess I am grieving all the girly things I will never get to do.
I always pictured myself having a little girl and I guess I do feel a little jealous that nearly all my friends have a little girl and my bestie is having a girl and due a week or so after me Makes me feel like a bad mum.
I plan to go shopping for a cute boy outfit soon and hoping I can get over this soon…. All the best and congrats on baby 3. I just wanted to let all the moms know that the grief and guilt and tears do pass and you will find the joy again in your heart about being pregnant and expecting another miracle.
Eventually the joy will return. Hang in there moms! My heart goes out to each of you through your grieving process. Thank you so much for sharing your continued experience. Thank you so much for the update. This is so reassuring to hear. I hope by now you are enjoying your newest baby boy! In fact he even surprised us and came 2 weeks early. I can say I fell head over heels in love with him.
He loves to snuggle and be held just like my first son. However with a baby that needs lots of mommy time both my older boys have become a lot more kissey huggy lovey with me which swells my heart. And maybe an added bonus that my boys will give me granddaughters. It also helped the midwife that works with my OB also has 3 boys so I got to discuss some of my feelings with her during my postpartum checks.
She very sweet and she could sympathize. She too would have liked one girl and had disappointment when her last was a boy. Giving a voice to my feelings helped me deal with them. I hope all the moms out there realize how amazing and awesome it is to have kids no matter the gender. Next hurtle kindergarten for my oldest this year. I might need a forum for that. So much blessing to you Cal. And huge congrats on safe arrival of your little dude!!
Would I choose Beautiful with no one watching? Thank you so much for writing this. I had no idea there was such a thing. I am now 22 weeks pregnant with my 3rd boy. My husband was so sweet and surprised me with a gender reveal and I burst into tears. I always thought I wanted boys but hearing that this time we were having another I realized how much I wanted a girl.
I know I will love this baby, I just feel so angry, then ashamed and guilty for feeling like this. I feel like a horrible person and mom. I can totally relate! Be kind to yourself. You probably just need some time to get used to it and let your emotions run their course. You will find peace eventually… and that will turn to excitement as you meet your little boy or sooner.
Thanks for this post! I have a little girl and found out two days ago that my second is a boy…and I felt really disappointed. In front of everyone at the gender reveal party…I was sure I was having another little girl, and I was really looking forward to that. So much guilt about those feelings, though. Adriel, Thank you so much for your original post and all of the follow-up comments. I have carefully read each one. I am seeking comfort and peace. I am 16 weeks pregnant with my first baby.
It took my husband and me 10 months to conceive, so we were especially thrilled to finally see those two lines. During that trying time, I prayed a lot that God would grant us the miracle of a baby, but during that time I also prayed that our miracle would be a baby girl.
I feel so selfish to actually type that out. I have been overly obsessed with knowing the gender of our baby the last 16 weeks. I have never wanted anything more than a precious baby girl to call my own. When I see children and peruse stores, I can only see the girls and girly things.
I have no interest whatsoever in the boys and boy things, but something in the pit of me had doubts that I was, in fact, carrying my girl. The minute the door closed behind us as we left, I lost it. I have not stopped crying since. I keep wondering if this is all a bad dream. I went from feeling ecstatic and so very grateful to be pregnant to feeling hopeless and depressed.
I am sick to my stomach although I pretty much have been this whole pregnancy and have now lost my appetite. I am fortunate to have family and friends who have been, for the most part, supportive and understanding.
And everyone keeps telling me that I will be fine as soon as I hold my baby boy for the first time. I want to believe this so badly. I will continue to follow along and pray morning and night that God help me heal and move forward and begin to feel excited again about this precious baby boy inside of me.
Hey there my I have four boys and ever sense I can think I thought I would have a girl. Pregnant now with my fifth child and just found out yesterday. We are having another Boy.
My heart is broken. I feel inadequate as a women. I know I am grieving dreams and what not. I am believing that when I see my son I will fall in love all over again. But for now I walking it out. I gave away so many clothes and items.
Because I really believe it was a girl. I gotta get over this it not right. I know this is our last. Your post brought me to tears. I have 3 boys. Just had my 3rd in May. I too thought I was finally getting my girl. The pregnancy was so different that I bought quite a few outfits and girly things. I cried for days. Please be easy on yourself. It really is the hormones talking too. Give yourself the time to grieve. Your are no where near an inadequate women or mother. The love for your 5th baby will come.
My 3rd lil man does these small things that my other 2 never did that make him so special and endearing. He just has this sweetness about him that has totally stolen my heart. It takes a strong confident women to raise boys. You can do this! For some reason God has chosen us to raise baby boys to young men.
I hope you kept some of the things you bought. I did keep mine in the hopes that my boys will give me a granddaughter. Then try small steps and maybe plan his room theme or start picking out names. I promise promise things will get better. One day at a time. Hang in there mama. Thanks for sharing encouragement and hope, Cal. You have such a beautiful perspective.
Have you considered going to speak with a therapist for a session or two? Sometimes being able to share with someone objectively can be really helpful. All the best to you. May you find hope and healing as you prepare to welcome this little one. Thanks for sharing your story here. How is your heart now? Have you found peace?
Thanks for your reply and checking on me! I am definitely better but still have times of sadness. I am also praying for peace should 2 down the road be a boy as well. I guess this whole thing is a journey for us! After reading through these posts, it kinda goes to show that these feelings that we as women have are really natural and perfectly normal, although it may not feel that wa at the time. I think also, the fact that we would fee soo bad about gender preference makes us feel even worse for even thinking and or feeling such ways.
I have 3 boys and was not a happy bunny when told my last one was a boy especially as I was soo sure I was having a girl pregnancy being complety different. I love how brave you all are for admitting your thoughts and feelings. This forum is one of them. All the best to you as you grapple with your emotions, Leaah.
Thanks for sharing some of your story here. I am also very down in the dumps about having a girl. My dream was to have all boys, or 2 boys and maybe a girl. Plus my husband is the only son left he lost both his brothers fairly young to carry on the family name.
I was 10 or so before people finally started to accept me. Plus, I have no excitement or desire to go shopping for a girl. My husband still has his tractors and toys from when he was little and I was so excited to watch our little man play with them. I am a tomboy and HATE shopping for girl stuff.
It will also be the first boy to be born in her family, as she only has a sister. It make me suck to my stomach to even think about giving birth and having them hand me a girl. Sometimes those unspoken pressures and expectations can catch us off guard with their strength. Have you ever considered speaking to a counselor about this issue?
All the best for you. Reading these comments have been so wonderful! I just recently found out baby 3 is another boy. Whew the entire time I was focusing on not bursting out in tears , I have just lost all interest in this pregnancy and I feel awful , my heart just feels empty. At this point, I find it very appealing to have all boys. One at a time in this house. Hi thanks for sharing and creating this website… it is reassuring to know we are not alone with these complicated emotions… although I dont wish it on anyone….
I suffered a loss too so it makes me feel even worse about having these feelings… I truly want them to disappear so I can go back to being happy and excited about the pregnancy as I know that I will regret it if I dont… How are you feeling now about your 3rd boy? When are you due? I sometimes get nervous about how loud the house might become I never realized how quiet of a person I was until I had kids!! Hard pill to swallow, but I have. It really does help to realize how precious life is.
I might be bias, but I think my readers are the best on the web. Perhaps that sounds cliche but I hope it helps bring possibility and hope to your situation with your newest daughter. All the best as you decide how to move forward. Please feel free to write again or check back in here anytime you need to.
Of mixed metaphor and the search for home. I lost my baby girl at 16 weeks in April due to a tumor that grew on her spine. I got pregnant again in October His transformation is as much social as it is physical. It's not just that Evan looks like a guy.
For nearly a dozen years, the world has responded to him as a guy. At first, particularly when he was with other men who didn't know he was trans, this made him nervous--like he would somehow say the wrong thing and out himself. But now he's comfortable. To medical professionals, he's a trans guy, but to the rest of the world and to himself, he's just a guy.
In , when Evan made an appointment with his primary-care physician at the Boston LGBT health center Fenway Health, he was the first prospective birth father his doctor had seen.
Several years earlier, a few trans men who, like my brother, had undergone hormone treatment but kept their reproductive organs, had begun consulting physicians about pregnancy and speaking openly about wanting to give birth.
In , Thomas Beatie posed for People magazine, bare-chested with a rotund belly, and went on Oprah to talk about his pregnancy. Trans men began to trickle into fertility clinics more frequently. When Andy Inkster was turned away from a Massachusetts clinic in because he was told he was "too masculine" to have a baby, he sued for gender discrimination. The case settled a few years later; Inkster sought out another clinic and later gave birth to a daughter.
What happened to Inkster is not uncommon. Medical care of all kinds is complicated for trans Americans. Roughly 1 in 5 have been turned away by a medical professional at some point, according to the National Transgender Discrimination Survey.
Half of them reported that they'd had to teach the medical professionals they visited how to treat them. That's why, until my brother tried to get pregnant, he mostly avoided doctors. There is very little research about trans pregnancies.
One of the only medical papers addressing the topic was written in by the University of California, San Francisco's Dr. They noted that, in form and function, getting pregnant as a trans man is not that different than getting pregnant as a woman. Most of the time, trans men stop taking testosterone, and their bodies begin ovulating again. Testosterone doesn't necessarily preclude a pregnancy. Some trans men may have unintentional pregnancies while taking it. If their partner is biologically male, trans men may try to conceive without medical intervention.
My brother has a female partner, so he inseminated using donor sperm. It took a while. The first time Evan tried, five years ago, he was unsuccessful. He took a break before starting again three years ago. He stopped his T shots, Kowalik prescribed two medications to trigger ovulation and monitored Evan's body throughout the process to get the timing right.
That's expensive, but it can cost much more. If home insemination doesn't work, trans men may turn to other fertility treatments, like in vitro fertilization. If the physical process of getting pregnant is fairly straightforward, transgender birth parents often face more challenges when it comes to mental health.
Obedin-Maliver and Makadon referred to two recent studies that highlighted psychological issues involved with trans pregnancies. In both cases, the sample sizes were too small to be statistically relevant, but significant themes emerged. For one, the birth parents were often lonely. And they reported complex feelings about their gender identity.
My brother has a good friend, also trans, who'd gotten pregnant a year earlier. He'd had a rough pregnancy because he felt a traumatizing disconnect between his masculinity and the female attributes of his body. He took medical leave from work for much of the time and was relieved to restart testosterone immediately after his child's healthy birth.
I spoke to another trans dad who had given birth to his son at age He said the pregnancy catapulted him into depression. Evan didn't have this experience. When I called Obedin-Maliver to discuss the research, she cautioned against drawing any conclusions about trans pregnancies based on a few conversations. Trans men compare notes among themselves and seek support and advice on the Internet.
It has about 1, members. A list of guidelines spells out who can join the group: This means that my self-identity conforms to the gender of my biological sex. I was born a girl, and I feel like a woman. My brother turns to this group when he has questions about chest-feeding--the term trans men have adopted for nursing--or choosing a trans-friendly pediatrician.
For many members, it is a primary source of community. One trans dad told me he believes he would have killed himself during the early months of his pregnancy if he hadn't found friends through the group.
Just how many trans people have given birth? I asked Makadon, who is also the director of education and training at Fenway Institute, a division of Fenway Health. He couldn't even guess, but he said he expected to see the numbers rise based on the increasing number of trans patients coming to the clinic. Fenway currently sees more than 2, of them, a figure that has doubled in less than a decade.
He said that, as he visits hospitals across the country, he hears a lot of stories about health providers treating pregnant trans men. As doctors prescribe hormones, it is becoming standard practice for them to talk with patients about reproduction. Although there's no data to suggest that regular testosterone treatments will prevent trans men from growing healthy eggs later, some of them elect to do this before starting testosterone treatment.
He threw up constantly. Normally, Evan worked until 7 each day, came home for dinner and then answered a few more emails before bed. But once he was pregnant, his body stopped cooperating.
By November, he could tell his supervisor had started to wonder why he was "slacking off. During his next trip to his company's Oxford headquarters, Evan scheduled a meeting with the woman in charge of human resources.
That morning, he found himself in an office with an open plan; even the conference rooms had glass on three sides. He had just vomited in the bathroom. He tried to fight his nausea as he saw the HR lead approach. She was a short woman with a high voice and a warm demeanor who, Evan thought, was more or less his age. He straightened his tie and followed her into an exposed conference room.
Evan took a moment to center himself, to quell his anxiety. There would never be an easy time for this conversation. He had to get it out. He told the woman he wanted to share some personal information. Paperwork, according to my brother, is how many transgender people are inadvertently outed in the workplace. An employer will send a letter to Social Security or to the Internal Revenue Service to verify a new hire's personal information; the agency will respond that the wrong gender has been listed.
Evan's friends call this a "no-match letter. Maybe this woman had known he was trans all along, he thought. It turned out she hadn't.
She nodded as he spoke and didn't seem fazed. She asked why my brother was bringing it up. Then, bit by bit, her face broke into a smile.
She told him about her two little girls and how wonderful parenthood was. My brother sat there with her, talking about spit-up and dance recitals, and he remembers feeling like part of a club he'd always looked into from the outside. The normal things that happen to normal parents would be his things, he thought. For the most part, this is how it went when my brother told people he was expecting.
It usually took them a few minutes. Then, as best they knew how, they said supportive, kind things. Our mother started knitting a sweater for the baby. His dermatologist said, "That makes all the sense in the world. This positive attitude is less surprising when you consider that my brother didn't tell many people he didn't know well. He didn't need to. Even at full term, he never looked pregnant. He looked like a guy with a beer belly. He wore collared shirts to work, often with sweater-vests, and when he couldn't button the shirts any longer, he bought bigger ones.
When his pants stopped buttoning, he wore them lower and got suspenders. No one rubbed his belly, asked when he was due or commented that he was carrying the baby low so it must be a boy. He took a few outfits to the counter. Evan opened his wallet, and the woman behind the register noticed the small ultrasound snapshot he kept tucked inside. She looked at his belly, and smiled at him. His blood ran hot. Evan's midwife was Clare Storck. Really, that's her name.
She'd been catching babies for five years at a practice attached to Mount Auburn Hospital in Cambridge, but she'd been working with expectant mothers for most of her adult life as a doula.
My brother was her first male birth parent. When Evan arrived at the midwifery center for his first appointment, he filled out an intake form, but the receptionist had trouble entering his information: This was a problem throughout the pregnancy--medical forms and insurance claims are not set up to allow people like Evan to be honest about their medical needs.
At first, he fought this at every turn. When his health insurance refused to cover his pregnancy test because he was male, he spent several hours explaining his situation to a representative, waiting on hold and explaining it again. She was able to override the system and get the cost reimbursed, but he had to call back and do the same thing every time he had an appointment. Eventually, Evan decided it wasn't worth the effort to fight weekly for coverage.
He called his insurer and asked that his gender be changed to female. At the end of the day, it was just frustrating to get denial after denial of services," Evan said. Despite the initial software limitation, my brother got excellent care from the midwifery practice at Mount Auburn. Practitioners had received some training from Makadon, who had visited recently from Fenway to lead a grand rounds--an hour-long lecture open to anyone on staff at the hospital--on trans births.
They shared notes on Evan's preferred gender pronouns and terms for his body, and he had regular appointments with Storck, who listened to his baby's heartbeat, checked in to see how he was feeling and referred him to an acupuncturist when he developed back pain.
Several weeks before the birth, I interviewed Storck, who has an ebullient personality, about her experience treating Evan. She was supportive of my brother's choice to get pregnant.
How I dealt with gender disappointment during pregnancy when finding out I was having a boy.
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